I'm feeling inspired, folks. With Everleigh being just a week away from turning one, I've been feeling all of the feels. Here are some ways motherhood has changed me:
1. I will never ever have a more rewarding job. Whenever I go back to work, everything will pale in comparison to taking care of our baby everyday.
2. Human bodies amaze me. My body MADE A HUMAN, survived extensive arm surgery and learned how to deal with 2 stainless steel plates and 12 screws all while still MAKING A HUMAN, fed this said human for an entire year, and I've lived to tell the tale.
3. Poor cows. Every time I grab a gallon of milk out of the fridge, I now think how much it must suck to constantly be pumped, only for someone other than your baby to enjoy it. If reincarnation exists, please don't let me come back as a dairy cow. Please.
4. Breastfeeding is not easy. I've pumped in a Boston train station next to a homeless man sipping on airplane bottles trying to catch a nip slip. I've pumped in the middle of an outside Charlottesville restaurant because I refused to go into a small hot bathroom to do it. Ryan carried a heavy backpack all over Boston just because I didn't know where the next place would be where I could sit and pump for 20 minutes. I've carried lots of frozen milk on an airplane because every ounce counts, dammit. It is a labor of love and I would do it all over again for her.
5. I thought I knew what tired was when I stayed up all night studying for an exam or writing a paper last minute. Tired 10 years ago was being hungover from hanging out and drinking until 3am and sleeping it off the next day. 22 year old Ainsilie, you do NOT know tired until you've had a newborn not sleeping at night for months on end.
6. My mind constantly goes from wanting to cry my eyeballs out because she's almost one and ohmyGodhowdidthishappen to getting anxious to see all of the next chapters of her life. I loved the newborn snuggles, could relive her first smile, first roll over, first coos over and over again, but she gets so much more fun every single day! I'm ready for the walking and talking Ev who won't stop asking Why, How, Who, What, and Where. Actually, let me go back to those newborn snuggles and relive those hospital days a few more times. Wait....
7. I've loved Ryan for a long time now (so it seems). Watching him as a father is a whole new love. The way she looks at him when he walks in the door from work. The way he kisses her cheeks. The way he dresses her terribly every single time he's in charge of it. The way he provides so I can be home with her everyday, and the fact he never says shit when nothing has been done all day except keep her alive. Be still, my heart. And I thought I loved you then....
8. The responsibility. All of the ways her life and our life could go wrong. All of the ways her life could go right. The news terrifies me even more now. She's never allowed out of the house. I understand now why my mom always made me put a jacket on, always stayed up to make sure I made it home, always made sure I was up in high school to get there on time. A mothers love is never ending. Thanks, mom, for showing me how it's done.
9. There will be a last time she'll take a bottle. There will be a last time she goes to bed an 11 month old. There are times I think I take things too seriously. That I don't let life in outside of this little 18 pound miracle. I know there's life outside of our little family, but for now, I couldn't be happier living this simple life. There will always be another job, but there will never be another baby Evie. I don't want to miss a thing.
10. Sacrifices. Oh, the sacrifices. No more eating out all of the time. No more cute clothes from Target at every single trip. No more big vacations, and no more doing what I want, when I want. Ryan doesn't get his energy drinks every day anymore, and Starbucks is now a rare treat. I cloth diaper to save money and actually use coupons at the grocery store now. We went from double income, free as can be to one income and me spending 2 months trying to figure out a good time to get a hair cut and go to the dentist without the baby. It's a change, and one that I wouldn't go back to for my life. She's our world, and motherhood has expanded my heart infinitely.
